


Elegy for the Fraying Soul

by The_Eldritch_IT_Gay



Series: Life of a Ghost [3]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Astral Projection, Blackwatch, Dirty Talk, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Injury, M/M, Multiple Orgasms, Praise Kink, Smut, Trans Male Character, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-09 13:46:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8892991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Eldritch_IT_Gay/pseuds/The_Eldritch_IT_Gay
Summary: There were always so many things he wanted to tell them, and part of him feared he'd never get the chance. He knew they wouldn't have a long life- Blackwatch agents never did, he knew that every time he watched them leave on a mission might be the last time he would ever see them. Watching them come back from missions half dead, only to be just as reckless on their next mission killed him. Watching them value the mission over their own life was torture.





	1. Caesura

**Author's Note:**

> Would you look at that, an actual multi-chaptered fic from me. I've been working on this since the beginning of November, it was meant to be a PWP but whoops, plot happened. Like. A lot of plot.
> 
> First chapter is plot, but smut will happen in the second chapter, and possibly the 3rd.

One of the hardest parts of his job was seeing Malik’s name on the list of casualties. Every time it happened, he couldn't breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, completely paralyzed as his heart fell. Memories always flashed in his mind, of Apotheoun, of seeing their blood matted hair, the fragments of their skull, blood oozing from the hole going straight through their head every single day. Memories of seeing their broken form rushed in on a stretcher and watching helplessly as medics tried to restart their heart. He had sat by their hospital bed so many times, watching over them worriedly and murmuring prayers, holding their hand solemnly with the knowledge they wouldn’t remember this. Even though they recovered every time despite the odds, every time he saw their name under casualties, part of him worried that this might be the time they don’t recover. He didn’t hate them for it, he could never hate them, but he hated how they made him feel. He hated how helpless he felt. He hated watching them barely come back, but still be reckless and confident the next mission and it killed him. They had died so many times in front of his eyes, and watching it happen over and over again was torture. Watching them not value their life, broke his heart. And every time he sat by their bedside, the silence heavy, he choked on his own words, too scared to tell them how he felt about them. He told himself every time that he would tell them next time, knowing all too well their might not be a next time

He never liked traveling for that reason- that constant worry that every time he left, that that would be the last time he would see them. As a result, he tried his best to minimize his time away from base. There were still overseas meetings he had to attend though, being a prominent neurologist for Overwatch’s medical division. Which was why he was currently making his way back from a meeting to his hotel room, tired and worn out from a day full of meetings and conferences. As soon as the door to his room closed behind him, Jian let out a exasperated sigh and flopped bonelessly onto the bed in his hotel room. While he loved being around people, there were many things he disliked about people. Dealing with rudeness and bigotry was his main problem with these meetings, but he truly hated the stunned looks he got for his appearance as well. Some found his silver hair and silver eyes ethereal and beautiful, some found it unnatural and strange, and to many higher ups, it reminded them of his role in Apotheoun. Too many of the leaders in the conference had seen him as something inhuman, some of their comments likening him to an object or possession instead of a human or equal. He didn’t have to leave headquarters often, luckily, though the reasoning behind that was something be preferred not to dwell on. The change of scenery and feeling of doing something important was always nice, but even excluding other issues, he always felt hopelessly out of place and anxious. And that uneasiness was why he ended up laying awake in the middle of the night, unable to will his body to sleep. 

Sighing, he rolled onto his stomach and grabbed his data pad. He always tried not to worry himself by looking at what was happening at HQ and the medbay while he was away, but it was always too hard for him to do that. He wasn’t used to not having to work most of the day, nor was he used to sleeping at this time, as usually around this time he was still on call. Scrolling through his notifications, he hoped that updating himself on what was happening back at HQ would at least calm his restlessness a small bit. He raised his eyebrows as he saw notifications from Blackwatch. While he had started assisting Blackwatch years ago, he seldom got messages from them- at least on his work account. His main way of assisting them was being their medic or consultant for information about neurology, psychology, or Overwatch’s activities, so it was curious for him to get professional messages from them while he was away. Anxiety settled in his stomach as he stared at the notification, knowing it most certainly was a bad omen. Grabbing his reading glasses from the bedside table, he clicked on the notification to pull up the message. 

 

> _ Information Request -- Mission in Progress _
> 
> _ Requesting any information regarding the Organization “Talon”. Specifically any intercepted messages, known patterns of operation, and rumoured activity. Keywords: neural reconditioning, brainwashing, genetic modification, potential targets. We have a team of intelligence analysts in  Blackwatch, but need all the information we can get and could benefit from your assistance and opinion. We also believe your current studies in medicine might be advantageous to have regarding this mission. Please return findings ASAP. The contents of this message are not to be mentioned to anyone. This message is for your eyes only. Don’t make us regret putting trust in you. _
> 
> _ -G. Reyes.  _

 

Humming softly, he quickly pulled up the mission details, quickly getting past the encryptions and logging in. Carefully, he looked over the info on the file. Under the list of agents assigned to the mission, his eyes were drawn to Malik's name. Sighing, he felt a creeping sense of dread rising in him. He didn't know Malik would have a mission while he was gone, though he should have expected it, and the reminder that they were in danger rekindled the unease he had been trying to assuage. 

Sitting up, he pushed the hair out of his face and quickly found and compiled files to send back. Once he compiled the resources together, he started typing up a brief summary of the files along with his personal input. He wasn't sure it any of the agents truly wanted his input, or were just using him as an information source- since he knew not all the agents were fond of him. Sighing again he briefly how he had gotten roped into helping such a violent organization such as Blackwatch. He was a complete and utter pacifist- something Blackwatch agents disliked about him- and he didn’t condone violence, and yet he help Blackwatch create violence. It weighed on his conscious, to think of how much bloodshed he was indirectly causing, but for whatever reason, he always kept helping them. He always tried not to dwell on the fact that giving his information and input would aid in the death or harming of many people, tried to rationalize his actions. He instead to remind himself that doing this helped people as well, and helped keep agents like Malik alive. But even then it still bothered him. 

After he sent off his report, he put his data pad back on his bedside table, and looked at the time wearily. 1:00am. Burying his face into the pillow with a groan, he accepted that he likely wouldn’t get sleep tonight.  _ I should use the time to relax, at least,  _ he mused, letting his eyes close. He slowly started deep breathing, trying to lull his mind into relaxation and let the tension leave his body. Focusing on breathing, he let his mind wander to think of calming things. The harmonious blend of colors at sunrise and sunset, a mug of warm tea on a cool day, listening to gentle music, curling up with a book next to Malik- He stopped himself, breaths falling out of their slow rhythm. Malik… he had known them since they were 12 and he was 14, they had found comfort in each other in the face of the horrible situations of Apotheoun. They had just been brought in from the streets when he first saw them, they had looked sickly and distant and alone. It was a few weeks before he was actually introduced to them, and learned of their background and that was when he knew that he had found someone he could relate to. They were difficult to get to know at first, they didn't talk much at all for the first 7 months, but it didn't bother him. He patiently waited for them to feel comfortable enough to speak, and even when no words were spoken, he let them know he was there for them when they needed him. He helped teach them English, and in return they taught him sign language. They often ended up sitting in a small alcove with a window, Malik resting their head in his lap as they exchanged words in their languages. Back then they mostly talked in Japanese and Spanish- the two languages they had in common. When they sat in that small, cozy alcove together, it felt like a secret, safe place, where the two of them could truly be themselves. They both had each other’s back until the very end. That safe space that was a respite from reality eventually crumbled, as the experiment shut down and they were both separated. The night before they were separated, Malik had snuck into his room, curling up with him in bed. No words were spoken that night, just shaking hands holding each other close, knowing that when morning came, they might never see each other again. In the end, he was placed in Overwatch and he got a say in what he wanted to do- being 18, he chose to start studying medicine. But Malik didn’t get that choice, and it was 2 years before he learned of what happened with them. They had been shoved into Blackwatch, living in the shadows and doing Overwatch’s dirty work. He supposed they were the reason he was okay with assisting Blackwatch. Assisting Blackwatch, however immoral, at least let him see them more. He told himself that this was he could look out for them and make sure they were okay. Never had he considered that his emotions went beyond just care, but when he saw them for the first time after those 2 long years, he realized it was more than that. It had become his favourite memory, and he could always recall it perfectly. The way his breath caught and his heart swelled. Seeing their freckles, their black eyes with flecks of gold- eyes that held the galaxies, their curly hair long for the first time, that familiar voice that made him feel at home, their smile, and their laugh-

He shook his head, rolling over to sit up and push the covers back.  _ I shouldn’t be thinking about Mali like that…  _ He told himself as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up.  _ They’re a co worker, and a patient, it’s inappropriate. And they’re in a relationship with someone else. And they’d never want a long term relationship anyways.  _ Sitting cross-legged on the floor, he relaxed in the soft light of the moon, willing his body to release its tension and clear his mind of thoughts. It was easy for him to fall into the slow breathing pattern of meditation, as it was something he did often. Meditation had always helped him calm down and center himself, and on nights like these were his thoughts kept him awake, it helped him rest his body and mind. He quietly  wished he had brought his incense or essential oils with him, the always loved the calming scents, but he knew could make do without. Eyes fluttering closed, he focused on the rhythmic ticking of the clock as his mind slipped into a meditative state. 

Frequently, the astral projection that happened during his meditation was accidental. The familiar beauty and infinity of the astral plane was always so enticing, that he found himself slipping into it without ever truly meaning to. Not that he minded, it always helped him relax more when he didn’t have to worry about the physical plane. After Apotheoun, he found that the astral plane gave him the safe feelings he had when he had sat in that small alcove with Malik. There was something he found comforting in the reminder of how infinitesimal his existence was in the vast infinity of the universe, some sort of relief in the anonymity and his insignificance amongst the galaxies.

He wasn’t sure of how much time had passed with him floating aimlessly through the ethereal world before something changed. He felt something tugging at him, trying to lead his consciousness somewhere else. Curiously, he let it pull him along; it wasn’t often this happened, usually his time on the astral plane just involved relaxing in the calming space. As he was dragged along, he could feel something inside him tightening. The unfamiliar feeling suddenly filled him with a sense of dread.  Adrenaline started coursing through his veins, he could hear muffled yells as he reached out and tried to grab that flicker on consciousness on the horizon. He could almost make out what the voices were saying, almost feel the coarse, stiff fabric of uniform against his skin.  Why was he being lead here? What was he supposed to see? He was so close to grasping onto that energy, just a little farther. But as he got closer, the thing inside him was taut like a rubber band, stretching more and more until-

_ BANG _

A gunshot rang through the air and Jian snapped back into his body with a cry. Falling backwards, sharp, hot pain shot through him and he clutched his side. He could feel the torn fabric, fabric, the blood gushing out of him, feel the metal lodged inside him. Shaking, he opened his eyes and looked down and-  there was no blood… no wound, nothing out of place. Just his hand clutching the pale unmarred skin of his abdomen illuminated in the moonlight.  _ No no no no no,  _ he screwed his eyes shut, trying to search for that familiar energy, for that tie, for  _ anything,  _ even the faintest hint of energy. Something,  _ anything _ , some shred of hope that they were okay, that they were alive. He needed to know-

A knock on his door pulled him back to reality and he startled, eyes snapping open. He blinked slowly, taking in his surroundings. Sunlight was streaming in through the window, filling the room with a gentle warm glow, clock on the bedside table reading 8:51am. He sighed, silently cursing himself for giving into his panic- panic had always been the thing that could make his control over his powers slip. Losing hours and losing touch with the time stream was always disorienting and stressful, but he knew he needed to center and ground himself again. Taking a deep breath, he shakily ran his fingers through his hair, resting his forehead on his knee. The adrenaline was wearing off more with each breath, replaced with a permeating cold emptiness. Tears slowly streamed down his face as the chilling pain and dread filled him.  _ Please God,  _ he prayed,  _ Please let them be okay.  _

Another insistent knock at the reminded him he needed pull himself together. He was an adult, he had a job, he couldn’t waste him on tears and worrying. It hurt to tell himself that, even though he knew it was the truth, he couldn’t let his life waste away mourning over a possible death. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he stood up and placed his glasses on the beside table. He pushed his hair out of his face and pulled it into a low ponytail. Stepping in front of the mirror, he quickly took in his own appearance. The dark bags under his eyes weren’t too prominent, but his eyes still looked red from crying. On his side, he could see a slight bruise forming where he felt them get shot. Sighing, he gingerly pressed his fingers on the bruise, wincing from the pain, but relieved that it was superficial. He took a few deep breaths, wiping his eyes once more before he answered the door.

A slightly startled young recruit was standing outside his door, immediately straightening at the sight of him. She was wearing a standard issue uniform that seem quickly thrown on, her long black hair tied in a hasty, messy braid.

“Good morning Mikami, Sir.” She said tersely, avoiding his eyes, “You’re presence is requested in the conference room ASAP.” 

“Do you happen to know the nature of the meeting, Miss… Nejem, isn’t it?”

Her eyes widened in surprise, “Ah, yes, I mean, I am Nejem, Aisha Nejem. I do not, however know the nature of the meeting, my apologies, Sir.” 

“No need to apologize, Miss Nejem,” He smiled, giving a slight bow, “Thank you for informing me, I will head to the conference shortly.”

With a nod, she turned and walked off down the hall. Closing the door, Jian let out a deep sigh, leaning against the door. He let out a soft curse under his breath and walking over to his bed and picking up his data pad. Scrolling through his contacts, he hesitated, finger hovering over the names. He knew not many of the agents in Blackwatch particularly liked him, but he needed to talk to one of them, needed to know if Malik was okay. Sighing, he tapped the name and quickly typed out a message.

_ [J Mikami]: _

_ Kallista, are you there? _

After sending off the message, he walked over to his suitcase, carefully pulling out clothes to change into. He couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that had settled in his stomach, some part of him in the back of his mind kept repeating over and over again  _ He’s dead. He’s dead. You’ll never see him again.  _ Groaning and burying his face in his hands, he fought to hold back his tears and calm himself. His hands were shaking as he pulled on his shirt, vision blurring from tears. He jumped at the soft ping from his data pad, and he quickly hurried over to pick it up.

_ :[Kallista] _

_?Jian _

_?Yeah, what’s up _

 

He breathed a shuddering sigh of relief, running his fingers through his hair before typing out a reply.

 

_ [J Mikami]: _

_ The last mission that happened, casualty report? _

 

Holding his breath, he tapped his foot anxiously as he watched and waited for reply.

 

_ :[Kallista] _

_ … _

_ We’ve only been back for a couple hours we _

_?don’t have a report yet, why are you so worried _

 

Her response irked him more than it would normally, his usual patience worn too thin with grievous worry. Kallista was always brutally honest with everything, and never tried to coddle him or sugar-coat the truth. The fact that she wasn’t being upfront with what was happening did nothing but fuel his anxiety. 

_ [J Mikami]:  _

_ Malik _

_ Is it serious? _

Sitting on the bed, he paused for a moment, before adding.

_ [J Mikami]:  _

_ Please _

_ Just _

_ Tell me that he’s alive. _

It took Kallista longer to reply this time, and his hope was slowly dying with each passing second. He couldn’t think of anything beside the last time he had saw them before he had left for his trip. All he could think of was that that could have been the last time he’d ever see them. How he might never see their smile again. Might never get to hold them close again. Never get to tell them everything he’s wanted to tell them.

Kallista’s reply almost went unnoticed, with tears clouding his vision and so wrapped up in the fear that Malik might finally be gone. It was the fourth notification that popped up that finally brought him back to the present.   
  
  


_ :[Kallista] _

_ Dios mio _

_?Do you ever relax _

_... _

_?You still there _

_ [J Mikami]: _

_ Yeah, I’m still here. _

_ Sorry, got distracted. _

_ Just please tell me about Malik. _

_ :[Kallista] _

_ Aren’t you supposed to be at fancy white collared _

_?meetings right now _

Sighing, he looked over to the clock at the time. 9:23am. He knew anytime now another recruit would be sent to remind him he’s needed in the conference. The conference was currently the last thing on his mind, but he knew he needed to attend it. There was sure to be talk about his tardiness, and he would definitely be reprimanded for making higher ups wait. Half-heartedly, he typed out a message.

_ [J Mikami]: _

_ …please… _

_ I need to know _

His leg bounced anxiously, as Kallista typed out a reply.  _ Please let him be okay,  _ He prayed,  _ Please let him be oka- _

_ :[Kallista] _

_ Fine _

_ You’re impossible _

_ 2 bullets to the abdomen, bleeding from the liver _

_ Perforated lung, minor fracture to the skull _

_ He’s  in surgery now _

 

His breath hitched and he felt his heart stop, stomach turning to ice. Tears slowly started streaming down his face, fingers hovering, frozen above his data pad. Any relief that Malik was alive was overshadowed by the fear that they still might die, that they’re severely injured and he wasn’t there with them. When he finally moved again, he frantically typed out messages.

_ [J Mikami]:  _

_ Is it serious? _

_ How much blood did they lose? _

_ What were their vitals? _

_ How long was it before they were treated? _

_ Did they lose consciousness? _

Kallista’s responses were quick this time, and he had no doubt that she was annoyed or exasperated at him. 

_ :[Kallista] _

_!Relajarse _

_ Geez _

_ People get injured all the time in the field _

_ Go to your stupid elitist meeting and leave me to _

_ worry about Malí, I’ll send you updates _

He almost felt a pang of jealousy that Kallista was the one by Malik’s side, not him. He had known Malik nearly a decade before Kallista, Malik was more than just a friend to him. But he stopped himself, sighing as the hollow feeling from earlier returned. Kallista and Malik were good friends, and he knew that. And Kallista likely spent more time around them than he did these days. She knew them well, and had always looked out for them. Taking a deep breath, he told himself that Malik was in good hands, and he would be able to see them soon. 

_ [J Mikami]: _

_ Just, please watch out for them _

_ I can’t lose them again _

The loud knock on his door didn’t surprise him. Setting down his data pad and standing up he quickly went about finishing getting dressed.

“Give me a moment, my apologies, I was feeling a bit ill.” He called out.

Standing in front of the mirror again, he did his best to make himself look presentable. His face was still red and the dark circles under his eyes were more pronounced, so he resigned himself to grabbing some of the concealer from his bag and carefully applying it. 

“I’m sure the committee wouldn’t mind to terribly if you wanted to miss the meeting. There’s a bug going around so if you need to stay back, I can tell them.” The recruit, Nejem, replied helpfully through the door.  

He paused, considering his options. He truly didn’t want to attend the meeting when Malik’s life was hanging in the balance. Before he could reply, his eyes were drawn to the notifications popping up on his data pad.

_ :[Kallista] _

_ You’re not going to lose them _

_ So shut up, stop worrying _

_ and go to your damn meeting _

He chuckled softly, letting out a deep breath. Grabbing his glasses and data pad, he went over to the door. The recruit looked startled when he opened the door. Bowing slightly, he offered a strained but soft smile.

“That won’t be necessary, please, lead the way Agent Nejem.”


	2. Lentando

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: Explicit sexual content, Unresolved emotional tension
> 
> This is my first published explicit smut piece, and I'm nervous af but here you go. Updated some tags for the smut as well.

A week after the incident, and Jian finally returned to headquarters. Kallista had stayed true to her word and sent him updates on Malik’s condition. They made it through surgery with few complications, they were only in the ICU for about 24 hours. Even after they were through the thick of it and their condition was stable, he couldn’t help but anxiously ask Kallista for more updates. However exasperated she was with him, she still sent him updates, occasionally accompanied by a snarky comment. By the time he returned to HQ, Malik was due to be released from the medbay. While he wanted desperately to find Malik the second he returned, or at least check up on some of his patients, he couldn’t deny how tired he was. So he resigned himself to heading to his quarters and trying to relax.

Jian swayed gently in time with his music, eyes closed, playing the violin with practiced ease. He almost missed the soft knock on his door, but he didn’t let it distract him, he simply called out that the door was open and continued to play. Whoever had walked in didn’t disturb his playing, just watching silently as he played the song. A few minutes passed before he lowered the instrument and sighed, grabbing the pencil on the music stand, he quickly made a few marks on the sheet.

“I’ve never heard you play that before.”

Jian smiled to himself, turning to look at Malik who was standing by the table. They were wearing the typical black of the Blackwatch uniform, but with a loose fitting unbuttoned grey sweater over it. A few strands of hair had fallen out of the messy bun they had it tied in, partially covering the bruises on their face. Opening his mouth, Jian tried to say something, but he couldn’t think of anything, instead just standing and looking at them with silent awe. If Malik, noticed, they didn’t let on as they simply walked over so they could peer over his shoulder and look at his sheet music. One of their hands gently rested on his shoulder as they read the notes.

“This a new song then?” They asked curiously.

“Yeah,” Jian nodded, “It’s a work in progress, do you like it?”

“I always love your music,” They said, grinning as they turned to face him.

Up close he could the new stitches on their forehead along with scattered bruises.They all still seemed to look fresh and painful, and he couldn’t help the concern rising in him. Without realizing it, he had brought his hand up to ghost over the cuts and bruises.

“I was worried about you…” He breathed.

Malik offered a slightly guilty smile, “Sorry. I’m fine, though, still alive and everything.”

“I thought I lost you… I could feel it, when it happened. Feel the bullet, the blood, the adrenaline.” His free hand had come up to rest over their heart, “I could feel it here. It felt like something had been cut, torn away, leaving me feeling hollow and like something was missing.”

Their eyes widened slightly, lips parted and hand instinctively resting on his side in response to his proximity. Cupping their jaw gently, he leaned closer, stopping just a few inches away from them. For what seemed like an eternity, he was still, just looking at them and searching their eyes for any objection. Their cheeks were dusted pink, mouth open slightly and pupils slightly dilated. Taking a breath, he finally closed the distance, pressing his lips against theirs.

They froze, letting out a surprised gasp as he kissed them. Sensing their hesitation he immediately pulled back.

“Sorry,” He looked down sheepishly, “I should have asked, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.”

He started to step away, but they caught his arm, pulling him back.

“No, it’s not that it’s just…” They paused, a small smile on their lips, “Different… not a bad different. It just. Caught me off-guard.”

Slowly, one of their hands came up to brush the hair out of his eyes, gently combing their fingers through his hair. He smiled, leaning into their touch and resting a hand on their hip.

“Is this okay then?” He murmured, leaning close, but waiting for their response.

“Yeah.”

Smiling, he closed the distance again, this time they kissed back. He had kissed them before, but not like this. Not this soft and sweet, not this full of emotion. He slid the hand from their hip to the small of their back, pulling them a little closer. Humming appreciatively, they deepened the kiss, wrapping their arms around him and holding him close as their scarred, chapped lips moved against his.

He didn’t know how much time had passed before he pulled away, catching his breath, forehead resting against theirs. This time it was Malik who pulled him into another heated kiss, hands moving to slip under his plain shirt. He didn’t object when they pulled his shirt up, lifting his arms to let them pull the shirt off. Cheeks flushed, they took a moment to trace the start of his tattoo on his collarbone. Raising their eyebrows slightly, they noticed the tattoo over his heart and brushed their fingers over the black ink.

“I hadn’t seen that before…” They hummed, “I like it.”

Chuckling softly, he murmured a quiet thank you, before reaching up to pull their hair out of its bun. Malik face flushed a cute pink as their thick hair fell loose around their shoulders, and they instinctively pushed the hair out of their face and adjusted their glasses.

“Beautiful…” Jian breathed, pushing their hair over their shoulder so he could lean down and pepper kisses along their neck, “Absolutely beautiful…”

Their breath caught in their throat at the compliment and pulled him closer. Smiling against their skin, he nudged their sweater out of the way, letting if fall from their shoulder, and pushing it off their other shoulder so it fell to the ground.

“Is this okay?” He murmured as his hands ghosted down their side to the hem of their shirt, waiting patiently for a response.

They nodded and he started pulling up their shirt slowly, moving back just enough for him to be able to pull their shirt off over their head, and toss it to the side. His hands immediately started gingerly brushing over all their bumps, scars and bruises. Tilting their head back, they shakily ran their fingers through his hair and he trailed open-mouthed kisses along the column of their throat. One of his hands brushed over their nipple as he gently nipped at their skin. They let out a soft gasp and rolled their hips. Groaning at the friction, Jian slowly walked them backwards until the back of their legs hit his bed. He trailed his kisses back up their neck and jaw, leaving a lingering kiss on their lips before he pulled back. 

“Still okay?” He asked, somewhat breathlessly. 

Giggling softly, they nodded, pressing a quick kiss to his nose before laying back on the bed. Jian took a few moments to appreciate the sight of them, face pink, hair loose, laying shirtless on his bed, propped up on their elbows. They ducked their head shyly, running their fingers through their hair nervously. 

“Stop staring…” They muttered self-consciously, “Get over here.”

Nodding, he crawled onto the bed, straddling one of their legs and leaning down to kiss them again. They kissed back eagerly and tangled a hand in his hair. Smiling into the kiss, he slid one of his hands down to the waistband of their pants. They tensed up suddenly, sitting up and grabbing his wrist. Immediately Jian pulled back, brow knit with concern as he brushed the hair out of their eyes to look at them. 

“Hey,” He whispered, “It’s okay, what’s wrong?”

They looked away, shrugging slightly, “Just… the scars… and a reminder to not be… disappointed… I guess… y’know… I’m not- I mean I don’t have-”

“You’re perfect,” He interjected, “All of you. I’ve known you most of my life, and I’ve never seen you as anything less than a beautiful, handsome guy. You’re perfect to me, and I want you just the way you are.”

“Shut up,” Malik grinned, hiding their blushing face by nuzzling into his neck.

He made a content noise, kissing the top of their head. They let go of his wrist and he started rubbing soothing circles on their hip. Suddenly, they rolled their hips and Jian let out a soft gasp. Grinning smugly against his skin, they peppered a few kisses along his neck and shoulder before guiding his hand back down to the waistband of their pants.

“You sure?” He asked genuinely.

“Yeah.”

Nudging them to lie back again, his lips found their neck again as he undid the button of their pants and tugged them off. Malik kicked off their pants the rest of the way, and they tangled a hand in his hair again, their other hand gliding down his back and pulling at the waistband of his loose pants. Laughing breathlessly, he helped them take off his pants, kicking them to the side as he started trailing his kisses down their chest. While he kissed and nipped his way down their front, he started pulling their boxers down. 

He sat back so he could pull their boxers all the way off and found himself drinking in the sight of them once again. Ghosting his fingers down their thighs, he traced the lines of their tattoo and the warped skin of their scars. They spread their legs instinctively, and his eyes were immediately drawn to the sight of their fat little cock sticking prominently out of the glistening folds of their cunt. Settling between their legs, he nudged them further apart and started kissing along their inner thigh. He nipped softly at the sensitive skin, grinning at the gasp they let out and the way their hand flew to tangle in his hair. Trailing one of his hands up, he lightly brushed his fingers over their swollen cock, relishing the noises they made as they tried to buck up into his touch. He traced slow tantalizing circles around the base of their cock as he sucked a red mark on their inner thigh. When they let out a needy whine, he decided to indulge them, replacing his fingers with his tongue. They let out a pleasured cry, tugging on his hair a bit as they rolled their hips.  

He sucked on their cock gently as he dragged a finger down their slit, circling their hole teasingly and occasionally slipping just the tip of his finger in them. Malik was already panting, back arching slightly as they pressed into his touch. Slowly, he sunk a finger into them, curling it massage their g-spot for a bit before he slowly started pumping in and out. The breathless noises Malik was making, along with the taste, and feel of them all went straight to his cock. Lapping at their folds eagerly, he started to grind down against the bed, his own soft moans sending delicious vibrations through Malik. Carefully, he slid another finger into them, giving them a moment to adjust before he started scissoring them open.

“So tight…” He murmured as he sped up his movements slightly, soft wet noises filling the air.

They were practically keening under his ministrations, hips rocking into him. Every groan and soft moan he made reverberated through them, and one of their hands flew up to hold back the noises they were making. His free hand reached up to push their hand away, pulling his face back so he could look up at them. 

“Don't,” he said softly as he crooked his fingers to relentlessly massage their g-spot, “I want to hear all the noises you make when you come on my face.”

Their breath caught in their throat and they let out a desperate moan. Grinning, he pressed a gentle kiss to their cock, before he resumed his sucking and lapping at their it insistently. The third finger he slid into them was a bit of a stretch, but Malik let out a loud moan at the feeling and started grinding against his face. He made an appreciative noise at their fingers pulling on his hair and he started scissoring his fingers slightly as he steadily pumped them in and out. He could tell they were getting close when their stomach tensed and their hips started bucking erratically. Humming, he focused on rubbing his fingers against their g-spot, and started sucking on their cock with renewed effort. He was still grinding against the bed, he could feel the damp spot that was forming on the front of his boxers, and had to stop himself from reaching down to take care of his own arousal. With one particularly rough swipe of his tongue, they were pushed over the edge and came with a cry. He gently pulled his fingers out and moved his tongue away from their over-sensitive cock to explore their folds and lap up their release eagerly. 

They were still whimpering and trembling in the wake of their orgasm, trying their best to catch their breath- a difficult feat when Jian’s mouth was still on them. Spreading their cunt lips with his fingers, he circled his tongue around their wet, aching, hole, before slipping his tongue inside. Malik let out a gasping moan, fingers tightening in his hair again as his tongue slid in and out of them, his nose bumping against their cock.

“Jian…” They whined, “ _ Please.” _

He pulled his face from their dripping sex, looking up at them through lidded eyes. Smirking, he sucked his fingers clean of their juices, keeping eye contact the entire time. 

“What do you want?” He murmured as he started trailed wet kisses along their thigh.

“Fuck me… please…”

He paused for a moment, then started trailing his kisses back up their body, hovering over them as he lavished attention on their neck.

“You sure?”

In lieu of a response, they slipped their hand down to palm his erection through his boxers, and he was positive they grinned at the way he gasped. Sitting back, he was quick to pull off his boxers and toss them to the side. He looked down at Malik breath catching at the erotic sight of them lying back, hair fanned out around them, legs splayed open showing their glistening cunt lips with their engorged cock sticking out. He leaned over to grab a condom from the bedside table, but they stopped him. 

“No, don’t,” They pleaded softly, “I want to feel you.”

Moving back, he leaned down press a soft kiss on their lips, settling between their legs again.

“You sure?” He asked, grinding against their wet folds.

They nodded eagerly, and he pulled them into a passionate kiss as he lined himself up and pressed into them slowly. He swallowed all their moans and he worked his way inside them, letting them adjust to his size. When he bottomed out, he broke the kiss with a gasp resting his forehead against theirs. After a few moments, they rolled their hips, causing both of them to moan. Peppering kisses along their throat, he pulled out an inch or two before thrusting back in. They wrapped their arms around him, blunt nails digging into the skin of his back as they whimpered. 

“Gods, you’re so beautiful,” He murmured sweetly, “So perfect. Handsome. Doing so well. You look so beautiful spread out for me like this.”

He hiked one of their legs up around his waist, and they instinctively wrapped their other leg around him. The slight shift in angle was enough to make them gasp and whimper under him. He started a slow but steady pace that left them grasping for purchase on his back as they shakily rocked their hips in time with his thrusts. Groaning against their skin, he screwed his eyes shut, relishing the tight heat around him. 

“ _ Please…”  _ They whimpered, “I-I need-”

He shushed them softly, mouthing his way up to their lips and swallowing their noises with a kiss. 

“Shh… I know, I know,” He whispered against their lips, “Let me take care of you…”

Moaning shakily, they rolled their hips, letting out a soft cry of pleasure when his cock rubbed against their g-spot. His kisses slowly strayed from their lips, brushing over the stubble of their jaw, and down to trail wet, open mouthed kisses down their throat. Their head tilted back, giving him more access while one of their hands slid up to tangle tightly in his hair. He bit down lightly at the juncture of their neck, and they gasped, tightening around them. Running a tongue over the mark soothingly, he let out a soft moan, speeding up his thrusts a bit. 

“You’re doing so well, being so good for me. You feel so perfect around me.”

Keening at the praise, Malik moved their hips in time with his. Encouraged by their noises, he started biting softly along their neck and shoulder, mouthing over each mark gently. He couldn’t help but also leave deep red marks along with the teeth marks, purposely leaving the marks where everyone would be able to see. 

“I- Jian, please, I need…  _ faster _ .”

He gave a harsh nip to their neck, groaning as they clenched tightly around him. Pulling one of their hands away from him, he intertwined his fingers with theirs, pressing their hand into the bed as he sped up his thrusts. Soft wet noises, and the sound of skin on skin filled the air, the obscene noises sending a bolt of arousal through him. 

“So wet and tight,” he moaned between kisses and nips, “Taking me so well, opening up for me so well, so perfect.”

They let out a desperate sob, hips rolling fervently. His cock was hitting their g-spot with every thrust, causing them both to moan as their inner walls gripped him tightly. He already knew the signs that they were close from when he had gone down on them earlier, so he started thrusting a bit harsher. 

“You’re close aren’t you?” He breathed, “I can feel it, the way you’re tightening around me.”

His words sent arousal shooting through them, and they could feel themselves hurdling towards their climax. Nails digging into his skin, they rolled their hips erratically. With a particularly hard thrust, and Jian’s teeth digging into their skin just hard enough for a jolt of pain to shoot through them, they were pushed over the edge. Crying out, they came around him, nails raking down his back and the hand entwined with his squeezing tightly. He slowed his thrusting a bit at the feeling of Malik clenching tightly around him and the warm rush of fluid. 

Before they could start to come down from their orgasm, his pace sped up again. The slick noises were louder in the wake of their orgasm, and with Jian’s thrusts growing harsher. They were whimpering and letting out pleasured sobs at the overstimulation and their hand untangled from his to tangle in his hair. 

“Oh, gods… Jian… I can't…”

His lips pulled away from their neck and he rested his head against their shoulder. He knew he wouldn't last long with them like this, and he could already feel his own orgasm drawing nearer. Letting out a shuddering breath, he started fucking then in earnest, pace rough and losing rhythm. 

“You're doing so well,” He cooed breathily, “Just a little longer, c’mon. I know you can give me another one.”

“ _ Jian, _ ” They moaned loudly, the sound causing his pace to falter for a split second. 

Groaning, he slipped a hand between them down to their oversensitive cock. They let out another cry, bucking their hips as he circled their cock relentlessly while pounding into them. 

“Oh gods, Jian- please- I'm so close- I can't,” They whimpered. 

“I know, querido, I’m getting close too,” 

They tilted their head back, panting, back arching at his brutal and erratic pace. Broken, desperate sobs mixed with his name were spilling from their lips as they got closer and closer to another climax. His teeth grazed over the skin of their neck, as he pressed harder against their cock, determined to get them to come again before him. 

“Mali, querido, you’re so good for me, so so good. Perfect. So nice spread out for me like this,” His voice was shaky and low as he felt himself getting close, “Oh gods, so so beautiful, handsome. The way you say my name. So perfect and good for me. Cum for me, please, querido, cariño, cum for me.”

“ _ Jian-”  _ They cried, shuddering with their third climax.

“Fuck,” He breathed, biting down on their shoulder to stifle his moans.

It wasn’t too long after they came that he hilted inside of them and came with a soft gasp, cum spurting deep inside them as he rolled his hips shakily. For a few minutes, they both laid there, slowly coming down from their highs, catching their breath. Malik was still trembling when he pulled out, shushing them and nuzzling into their neck when they let out a whimper at the sensation against the too sensitive walls of their cunt. He pressed a soft kiss to their neck before he pulled back completely, sitting back and looking at them lovingly through lidded eyes.

Their neck and shoulders were absolutely covered in red marks, lips parted slightly and face flushed as they caught their breath. Between their still spread legs, he could see his cum lazily trickling out of them, mixed with their own juices. His cock twitched in interest at the erotic sight, but he ignored it and curled up next to Malik, pulling the blankets over them and wrapping his arms around them. They made a content, tired noise, relaxing in his arms, eyes fluttering closed. 

Nudging their hair out of the way, he peppered tender kisses along the back of their neck. He laced his fingers with theirs, and let his eyes flutter closed- he was content like this, with Malik in his arms as they both slowly fell asleep. 

“I love you, Mali,” 

He almost didn’t realize he said it aloud, but he didn’t miss the way they suddenly tensed under him. They didn’t pull away, but their whole body was rigid, and he could almost feel their unease. 

“Sorry,” He hastily added, guilt and regret gnawing at him, “I didn't mean-”

“It's okay,” They said tensely, clearly not okay. 

He wasn't sure how to answer, half of him telling himself he should pull away and give them space. But they kept their fingers entwined with his. The tension he could feel in the air made him uncomfortable. 

“Mali,” he started, “We should talk about this.”

“Not now. Please. Ignore the future and the past, and just hold me. Don't worry about what's going to happen. Don't ruin the moment… Ignore time so I will be able to remember this moment when those stresses weren't plaguing me.”

He nodded slightly, forcing himself to relax. This wasn't ideal, and worries about what would happen in the morning bothered him. He didn't want to wake up alone, didn't want Malik pretending the night didn't happen. Holding them tightly, he tried to memorize the feeling of them in his arms, terrified that as soon as he fell asleep it would all be over. But sleep was calling to him, and he could feel their body start to slowly succumb to their fatigue as well. Right before he fell asleep, he heard Malik whisper something so quiet and sudden, he didn't know if it was his imagination. 

“I'm sorry…”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading óvò


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